I Did It!

My car kind of resembles the old game where you see how many people you can fit in a VW Bug, only it's not people, it's presents, and it's not a Bug, it's a Camry. There were lots of presents, several of which were on the LARGE size, but I started with the biggest and just kept adding until voila - they were all in! I even managed to leave the driver's seat empty for me. Hmmm....now the trick is getting them back out.

Angels Who Watch Over Me

If I had to pick one word to describe my life, it would have to be "busy". I like everything I'm doing (even my job, I just hate having to be there full time) and busy is good, but I miss having time to do all the other things I used to do. One of the things I just didn't seem to have time for is putting up my Christmas tree. I managed to carry the tree into its room (with only one big bruise to show for it), but the box just sat there. I'm blessed to have some angels in my life who saw my need for help and without my asking - or even my being there - put my tree up for me! These same two angels also saw the multitudinous packages that were waiting to be wrapped and came again and helped me get them done. I'm not the type of person who easily asks for help and I can't begin to say how much it means to me to have angels who watch over me. Thanks H & F!!!

Can it really be 30 years?

Ashlie and I put our heads together and decided to throw a surprise 30th birthday party for Lorien.  It was kind of crazy working out some of the details (especially what time everyone should be there), but we had a lot of fun getting ready for it - Ashlie is great at preparing for a party!  With some secret help from Sam, we had access to their house for several hours to decorate and cook.  We had almost 30 people there before Lorien arrived - 17 of which were children.  The kids were all upstairs playing and when Lorien pulled up we had all of them come downstairs and hide with the adults to help yell surprise.  You didn't realize how many kids there were until they all came down the stairs at once.  Jon couldn't help but ask how many kids everyone had - and I jokingly reminded him that after all, we were all Mormons!  It was unbelievable - the kids were totally quiet waiting for her to come in the door.  Not a sound. I loved seeing her expression when she opened the door and we all jumped out to welcome her.  What great fun.  

It's strange to realize that I have a child who is 30.  I can remember turning 30 and that it was a tough birthday for me.  And it doesn't seem that long ago!  One of my birthday presents to her was a video of some highlights of her 30 years on earth.  It was really hard narrowing down the pictures and there were so many more I wanted to put in, but the music just wasn't long enough.  Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGqaIXX_CGs

Hard day

There hasn't been a day that I haven't yearned to have Charlie back.  It's an ache that stays deep within, never gone, but is made tolerable by the belief that we will be together again.  I know I am a strong person and I don't want pity.  I see others  that have it so much worse than me and I am grateful for the many blessings that I have been given.  But today was one of those days when that ache rises above all and all I can do is cry and plead for Charlie to come back.  Of course the holidays have something to do with it.  But mostly it's because I'm sick.  I miss having him take care of me.  I really want him to give me a blessing.  And a hug.  

OCD - Obsessive Cullen Disorder

I had to share my two pumpkins.  This is the first time that I can ever remember carving a pumpkin myself; Charlie was so much more artistic that it was his "job".  I must say I love the way they turned out.  Unfortunately the Be Safe one disintegrated today.....

Physical Therapy and The Election

Up to now, I've not had a strong opinion about physical therapy.  It's something I've taken both my kids to due to various sports injuries throughout their lives.  I never stopped to question whether they got better as a result of physical therapy or because we "rested, elevated, and iced" and time took care of the rest.  I've had some back/sciatica pain for a couple of years now, and after finding it almost impossible to get out of bed some mornings, I decided a trip to the doctor was in order, who in turn sent me to physical therapy.  They evaluated me and diagnosed me with - get ready - back pain!  Oh, and I have good posture.  My "therapy" consists of doing some arm exercises.  I don't profess to knowing more than they do, but I told them that moving my arms doesn't hurt my back and they were so impressed by that that they think I should repeat these arm movements every two hours (excuse me everyone at work, I need to stop and lay on the floor and move my arms up and down - sure!).   Now the thing is, my doctor knows that a tenz unit has helped this back pain for me before, but she can't prescribe one to me - and why is that? Because my insurance won't cover it unless I go to physical therapy first.  So I have to go for sixteen visits there (costing the insurance company and me money), where I will learn to move my arms up and down, after which I will hopefully get the tenz unit.  So, for now, I have an opinion on physical therapy - it is a waste of time and money!

So what does physical therapy have to do with the election?  Well....the government has gotten so involved in our health care and taken away much of a doctor's ability to make decisions - as in my doctor has to send me to physical therapy before she can prescribe what she knows works - I can't imagine how much worse it is going to get if we go even farther toward socialized medicine.  The Karl Marx slogan "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" has recently been rephrased as "spread the wealth around".   Communism for Dummies. 

E.T. Phone Home.....

You know that scene near the end of E.T. when the government comes in and takes over Eliot's house?  When the house is covered in "plastic'?  Welcome to my home!  My house was built with defective plumbing, and a couple of months ago, the pipes decided it was time to deteriorate.  I came home one night to my kitchen/dining room area covered in water.  It didn't take long to discover the water was coming from the ceiling and the ceiling was sagging!  Since it was after 10:00 pm, there wasn't much I could do so I said a prayer and made sure I slept on the other side of the house (just in case the ceiling came down).  You can imagine my joy upon finding out that every inch of plumbing in the entire house had to be replaced - even the main manifold.  So....$5000 later, I have all new plumbing - and an interesting pattern of holes in my ceilings and walls.  The drywall guys came and took out a large part of the main floor ceiling in preparation for replacing some parts and repairing others.  (Cost of this is another $4000).  I had to be at work so there's a lock box on the door and they come in as they need to and I didn't get to see what they were doing.  When I got home from work, I opened the door to - - - plastic covering most everything.  And of course, my favorite part, the plastic "door" with a zipper in it!  Most of my furniture is piled in the front room making it largely impassable.  Add to this mix one large dog with a superman strength tail, and a small, rambunctious puppy who thinks her mission in life is to chew everything in sight, this makes for a fun place to be right now.  Oh, I guess I forgot to mention - the electrician has to come before the drywall guys can come back, and he's not even going to come do an estimate (any guesses how much more this will add to my total bill?) before Friday.  So...anybody want to film the sequel to E.T.?  No studio needed.  

9/11

I looked everywhere for pictures we took when we visited
each of the 9/11 sites, but I couldn't find them anywhere.
I'll keep looking, but I didn't want this day to pass
without some sort of remembrance. Charlie was shooting
near the Pentagon on that horrific day and was on the
scene shortly after the plane had crashed into it.  The
photo was one taken by him of the destruction and a
letter he wrote to the choir members telling of his
experience.

My dear members of the Newark choir:
 
This morning, I spent much longer than usual in traffic,
due to the bright sunshine.  By the time I reached my
assignment, an apartment complex, which just happened to
be 2 miles South of the Pentagon, I had heard the news
about the World Trade Towers. Not more than 15 minutes
after setting up my  first shot, I heard a plane that
sounded unusually loud (meaning low).  I  thought to
myself, how ironic, considering what had recently
transpired.  Little did I know, that was The plane that
moments later crashed into the Pentagon.  Shortly
thereafter I saw the smoke, and began hearing the
sirens of every emergency vehicle known to man!  I
walked to the Pentagon around 12Noon, and took
this photo along with the other television crews, just
before the police announced that we were to immediately
leave the area, as this was now a crime scene.  So, I
walked the 2 miles back, and continued to photograph
apartment buildings, while military jets patrolled the
skies above me.  My lab was nice enough to print my
pictures while I waited, and viola!   I only regret that
I was unable to attend the temple tonite due to today's
activities.  Many thanks for the calls and emails
inquiring about my welfare.
 
Charlie


I can still remember how scared I was when I could not
reach him for several hours after the attack, knowing
that he was near the Pentagon, and the joy I felt when I
heard his voice. Seeing the sites had a sacred feel to
it; not only was Charlie by the Pentagon on that day, but
it's where my father worked for many years.  The
Pennsylvania site was near my mom's house, and once
again, I was filled with awe from what might have been.
I've always been patriotic, but my pride and belief in
America has only been strengthened through these events.

"America was targeted for attack because we are the

brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world,

and no one will keep that light from shining."

     - George W. Bush

Had To Smile

I just found out that Sarah Palin's parent's names are Charles and Sally - how great is that!

Deep Creek Lake - Almost Paradise

                                        Sarah & Sunil's beautiful home

                                                     

                                          Bears? Did that sign say bears?

              I'm back in the saddle again

                        Lexie & Ashlie on the mountain coaster

                                                     followed by Jon
                                                                      and then Gracie & Sam
                         Lorien, Sam & Hannah enjoying the boat ride
                            A great shot of Jenna, Ashlie, Jon & Lexie!
                              Sunil & Sarah looking really cute together
                              Jenna steering the boat (yes she's there!)
                               Lexie smiling over her turn at the wheel
                           Gracie looking confident in the driver's seat
     Jenna actually fell asleep standing up while the boat was moving!
                                     Jon tubing with Sumaire & Gracie
             Their faces say it all - Sarah, Lorien & Ashlie loved tubing!
                                 Sam took a turn with Sumaire & Gracie
                            Hannah let us know the water was too cold!
                               ...but she thought the slide was just right.
                                                        What a view!
Sam, Hannah, Sumaire, Gracie, Jenna, Lexie, & Jon atop the rock wall

On Thursday we left on a much needed family vacation to Charlie's sister's vacation home in western Maryland (FAR western - near the West Virginia line, almost directly south of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania).  In "honor" of getting out in the country, we sang "Take Me Home Country Roads" along with some other John Denver songs as we traveled.  It was a rough time getting there since we didn't get to the mountains until after dark and it was rainy and really foggy.  Luckily Lorien (who was driving) has eagle eye vision so it just took a little longer to get there. 

We so frequently see signs for deer crossing that you don't think about them, but when we saw the one warning about deer and bears (oh my!), we did a double take.  We wanted to see a bear - from a distance of course - but none appeared.  The house was so gorgeous, woods all around, high up on the mountain.  It's nestled between a ski resort and the beautiful lake.  We took several hikes on a scenic nature trail, played tennis, swam in the pool, enjoyed the hot tub at the house, and we even got to see some of the National Championships of the White Water Kayaking and Canoeing - some of the competitors had just gotten back from the Olympics!

We had a great time horseback riding.  I had the best horse I've ever ridden on - and I came back with a farmer tan as a memento.  The ski resort has this amazing thing called a mountain coaster (it actually runs year round).  It's kind of like a bobsled on a raised track that goes all the way up the mountain (underneath the chair lift).  At the top it turns and the sled freefalls on the track back down.  You have a brake on it that lets you control how fast or slow you go.  A final corkscrew and you're down.  I couldn't quite overcome my fear of heights to try it, but it was tempting!  

We rented a boat and spent several hours on the lake.  It was so much fun speeding over the water. I just love being on the water.  The kids had fun taking turns driving the boat and almost everyone went tubing.  It was crazy but as we got off the boat for the last time, both Jon & I caught our pants on the edge and tore them (poor Jon got a bad bruise from it too). 

All too soon Sunday afternoon arrived and it was time to come home.  Thank you to Sarah and Sunil for giving us such a wonderful time.  Memories are made of this.

Figure Skating 101

Since I've been involved in figure skating for over 25 years, when I read this I just couldn't resist passing on some of my favorites.

You know you're a figure skater when...

1. You've been high off zamboni fumes at least once.

2. Upon hearing a song, you map out the choreography in your head.

3. You have no accumulated sun damage because you never leave the rink.

4. When you see someone of the opposite sex on the street, you don't think "date", you think "pair partner"!

5. You like to buy your shoes half a size smaller than you really need so they feel like your skates.

6. When you walk past a prom dress in a mall and see the nice beading you imagine it in a skating dress.

7. You've met a sport psychologist at least once.

8. You keep winter clothes in your closet year round.

9. You know what bungas are.

10. You spend the same amount as you would on college tuition on skating every year.

11. You get out of gym.

12. It's not a 360, it's a single.

13. It's a Russian split, not a toe touch.

14. You play add-on.

15. Competitions are your vacations.

16. More than a week off the ice is unheard of.

17. You get up before school to skate.

18. You have a little ritual before competition.

19. Axels are nothing to do with wheels or a rock star.

20. You know the Michelle Kwan spiral and the face that goes with it.

21. You understand these points!

 

Udderly Terrific!

Until Tuesday, I haven't been eligible to take any time off from work (believe me - it seemed like forever).  I wanted to spend one fun day with the kids before school starts.  We didn't want to do anything major, especially since Jenna has been a little under the weather.  I had heard about the Kilby Cream Farm from a lot of people at work, and so... out to the country we went.  It was a picture perfect day - warm, but not too hot, a great breeze, the farm all to ourselves.  We ate a picnic lunch in the shade and everyone had fun petting the animals and swinging.  Kilby's makes the best ice cream I've ever eaten.  I ate Teaberry ice cream - yes, the chewing gum that I grew up with was an ice cream flavor (I had hot fudge on it of course) - YUM!  The only problem now is - I want to go back and eat some more!

Gone Fishing

                                             Lexie 
                                             Jenna
                                             The Lake

Saturday was a new experience for me - I went fishing.   Ashlie's stepsister Danielle, and Danielle's stepbrothers, Dakota & Joey, were visiting and Ashlie took them, along with Lexie & Jenna, fishing earlier that week along with Ashlie's dad, Joe.  They had a lot of fun and caught a lot of fish (and Joe handled the worms - important part of this story).  So they decided to go again on Saturday when Jon & I  could go too. What we hadn't planned for was that none of us wanted to touch the worms to put them on the hooks!  We didn't catch anything.  Don't know if it was because the worms weren't on the hooks right or if the fish were smart enough to eat them without getting caught.  Even so... we had a lot of fun and did a lot of laughing.  But next time - Joe goes too!

You win!

Okay, I admit, I went "kicking and screaming" into reading the Twilight books.  I had NO interest in them - the premise had nothing to draw me in.  However, so many friends - including many whom I hold in great respect - encouraged me to take a look.  Thank you to my two angels who bought me the first two books!!  I read all four within a week.

For those who say Twilight is the new Harry Potter, I say no way!!!  Totally different.  First and foremost, Twilight is a love story - as in Romeo & Juliet.  And the emotions are so intense, I do not think it's appropriate for young readers.  I was pleasantly surprised to find gospel principles woven throughout - I couldn't help but think of the Young Women values.  For example, Choice & Accountability - the Cullens' choice to be different from others; Integrity - Edward's moral standards and his determination to live up to them; Divine Nature - realizing that they didn't have to be evil - there was good in them; Good Works - Carlisle overcoming everything to be a wonderful doctor; Individual Worth - the wonderful differences between each person's special talents, and how they all benefited from them.  And intertwined throughout how it can be difficult, and sometimes painful, to live up to these values, that there are ever present temptations - but that they're worth it.  Twilight is a story about people who aren't "the same" overcoming hatred - humans, vampires and werewolves learning to love/respect each other despite their differences. And last, but certainly not least, the incredible depth that love can have and the power that it holds. The way Bella was when Edward left.....I understand Bella. 

So... I'm on my second read-through - and I know where I'll be on 12.12.08 - need I say more?

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Today was one of those special, happy days spent with friends. I went to a baby shower for Melia,  who is in our ward, at a very nice restaurant.  Melia actually kind of lived at our house for a few months a few years ago and when she joined the church, Charlie baptized her.  I remember how excited he was to do that. 

I don't get to spend much time with friends anymore, so today was so wonderful.  All of these women are dear to me and have helped me in many ways throughout this past year.  They have called me, visited me, fed me and shared their love for me in so many ways.  Leann, Tina, Melissa & Barbara are all amazing women and I'm so glad to have them as friends.  It was SO much fun just to sit and talk and spend time with them today - for that short time I was back in the world I love so much.  It was fun being there with Lorien & Hannah - thanks for taking our picture, wish you could have been in it too! 

I should also mention that the food was wonderful - can I say full!!!! 

After that, Lorien, Hannah & I went to the MacMichaels for Reilly's birthday party.  We really didn't get there till the party was over, but it was fun to see him playing with so many friends.  He is such a happy boy.  It felt nice to be sitting around the kitchen table - really brought back some happy memories.  More special friends that I'm glad to have.  Founding members of the "West Creek Branch" together again!

If only I knew...

I came across a book recently and it was as if I was reading my heart in words.  I have taken some of the thoughts, and added some of my own.

If only I knew...I would never hear your voice again, I would cherish your every word, every inflection of your voice, with all my heart.

If only I knew...I could never share another day with you, I would make the most of every second.

If only I knew...this was our last hug, I would hold you tight and hope to never let you go.

If only I knew...this was the last time, the very last time, I would see you, I would take the time to treasure everything about you.

If only I knew...I had the chance to pray with you one more time, I would listen a little closer to your words and not be in such a hurry to get to sleep.

If only I knew...tomorrow was not coming, I would ask you to please forgive me for any wrong I may have done to you.

If only I knew...the love and strength and support you've always given me were about to end, I would thank you for the million times you've made a difference in my life.

If only I knew...this was the last birthday gift I could give you, I would surprise you with something that says nothing compares with you.

If only I knew...our phone call was the last we'd ever have, I would end it with "I love you".

If only I knew...this was our final kiss, I would use it to tell you that you are the love of my life.

If only I knew...I was about to lose your smile, I would thank you for all the joy you've brought to me.

If only I knew...your hand would never hold mine again, I would wish for time to stand still.

I have felt the love of many people today - many who know that today is Charlie's birthday and who were concerned that I was okay.  Thank you for being angels watching over me. Your love and caring helps me more than you'll ever know.

Happy Birthday Charlie. I love you.

07/07/07 One Year Later

If I had had a choice, I would have taken off work today, but since I didn't, I guess I'm glad I was really busy.  I found myself looking at the clock, thinking about everything that happened at the same time a year ago.  The thought just kept repeating itself "a year ago right now I was burying my husband" and I had to hide my tears.

Not many people pick a grave because it is near the dump but ... going to the dump was one of Charlie's favorite things to do.  He & Gracie used to climb in his truck, and the two of them would ride off, happy to just be together.  She would watch him throw everything into the trash bins through the sliding window in the back - and then they would go get milk and donuts on the way home.  To him, that was pure joy.  So today, it just felt right to go past the dump and visit Charlie at the cemetery.  I was able to spend some time in prayer and am grateful for the peaceful feeling I had there.  

The Flip Side

Tonight I feel pretty down.  I knew this week would be hard and I'm really happy we did some happy, fun things together to help.  But I just want Charlie back.  I miss his smile.  I miss his goofy noises.  I miss getting a foot massage.  I miss hearing his voice.  I miss him walking in the door.   I miss having him give me a blessing.  I miss his concern for others.  I miss putting my candy wrappers in his suit pocket.  I miss him putting everything down just to say hi to me when I get home.   I miss having him come out to the car just to see if he can carry bags in for me.  I miss having someone to come home to.  I miss his love.

God Bless America

I am blessed to own my own home.

I am blessed to have a job I enjoy.

I am blessed to make choices each day that are only influenced by my testimony and faith, not by government rule.

I am blessed to have friends, and to be a friend.

I am blessed to know great men and women who represent our country, both in the armed forces and as Missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I am blessed to have parents who loved me and taught me to value work and perseverance.

I am blessed to have been a daughter, a wife, a mother, and a grandmother.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel.

I am blessed to have had the Priesthood in my home.

I am blessed to have two wonderful grown children, and their spouses, who love and care for one another.

I am blessed to have the greatest 4 granddaughters who have ever been.

I am blessed to have had the best husband I could have ever wanted.

I am privileged because I live in this free land.

America, I am blessed....thank you!

One Year = Forever

"Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble?"  Alma 5:27

This scripture has gone through my mind so many times over the past year. Although he wouldn't say it, I know Charlie exemplifies this scripture.  No, he was not perfect, he made mistakes -  he was even known to pout occasionally. But on a day-to-day basis, in all he did, he tried with everything in him to live as Heavenly Father would want him to.  Even with his busy schedule, he spent a lot of time in prayer - you knew he was truly conversing with the Lord. His old set of scriptures were well-worn - no matter how tired or hurried, he always spent time reading them, feasting upon them. He read the Ensign cover-to-cover, and would listen to conference talks over and over again.  He didn't just hear the words, he went out and did the words.  He would go home teaching instead of taking a nap, he would call to check on members of the ward, to see if there was anything he could do. He baked cookies for less active members (and non-members too), then dropped by with them, just to let people know he cared. I can't begin to express how much he loved the temple.  He worked in the temple every Tuesday evening for many years, in almost every area of the temple.  Charlie didn't believe in gray areas, things were either right or wrong, and if it was gray, then it was too close to wrong for him.  He loved listening to John Bytheway and Sheri Dew.  He had an extra special reverence in his heart for the books and talks by S. Michael Wilcox. I can't think of Charlie without thinking of music. He was inspired by Mack Wilberg of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Ron Staheli from BYU Singers. He loved their works and the spirit they brought into the songs. Oh how I miss the music between us. 

His suits - they were so much a part of him.  Even if he was awakened from a deep sleep to go give a blessing, he would still put on his white shirt, tie, and a suit.  To him church meant respect and that meant suit.  I love to see his suits hanging in the closet - and sometimes when the ache is at it's worst, I bury my face in them and cry - that little part of him is still with me.  I am careful when I go shopping to avoid the men's department.  I wonder if the day will ever come that I walk by it and not fall apart....    

As much as I have dreaded this week, there have been some uplifting moments. A few weeks before he died, Charlie took a picture of our entire primary.  It was for a sister in our ward (who worked with me in the nursery) who was going to the Grand Canyon and was going to a ward at the bottom of the canyon. She wanted to give the picture to the primary kids in that ward.  I had forgotten all about this photo (which also happens to have me in it).  On Sunday, the new issue of "The Friend" was announced in church, and Charlie's photo was in it.  Our bishop was tearful as he said "Charlie's work lives on".  To me, it's even more than that. I feel as if Heavenly Father allowed Charlie to reach down for a brief moment.  I don't believe it is just coincidence that this was published at the one year anniversary of his death. Then today I got an email from a wonderful family in the ward letting me know that two copies of this magazine are on the way to my home.  Angels watching over me.  Thank you.

I heard a touching story on Sunday from a sister who's family has been dear to both of us.  She was in the bishop's office with her class on 1 July 2007.  She heard the bishop's phone ringing and saw that he wasn't answering it .  She told him to go ahead and take the call.  As he listened, she saw his face drain of all color and she knew that whatever was being said, it was something very bad.  That phone call was me, telling the bishop, who was Charlie's best friend, that Charlie had died and that the paramedics were trying to revive him and that I needed him to come right away.  This sweet sister says she still doesn't like to be in the office because it reminds her of that day.  It's touching to know that he was special to so many. 

Another special thing happened on Sunday.  Another dear sister was giving a talk in sacrament meeting, with the subject being "a house of order".  She talked about how the temple is a house of order and mentioned how their family cannot talk or sing about the temple without thinking about Brother Pruett.  It means so much to me when others speak about him. 

Today marks one year since you passed away.  It feels like it was yesterday - and at the same time it feels like forever.  I miss you as much, maybe even more, as I did the day you were taken from us.  It still hurts just as much.  I still cry every day.  The initial "I can't breathe, my stomach is in knots" feeling is gone, but the deep ache is still there. I think it always will be. We've had a year of firsts - everyone's first birthday since you've been gone.  Our first anniversary.  The first 4th of July, first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Valentine's Day, first Easter.  Happy events, but tinged with sadness for the one isn't there.  I know you're up there watching over us and I'll be with you again someday.  But that doesn't make the pain go away.  

I chose the song playing in the background to partly express how I feel:

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn
And we are led

To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good...

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good

I was blessed to be loved by Charlie.  He loved his children so much, he still kept things they had made close to him - they were treasures in his eyes.  He loved his precious granddaughters - they meant the world to him.  It hurts that they won't grow up with him.  I will always cherish the years we had together. Thank you Charlie for making me who I am and for believing in me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.  I will always love you. 

Father's Day

I didn't want this day to pass without taking a few minutes to share my love for two very special men - my father, and the father of my children. Neither of them are here on earth anymore so I can only pray that my thoughts can be heard in Heaven.

My father was so wonderful to me. He was smart (propulsion, nuclear physics), he worked at the Pentagon, he loved to build rock walls and in so doing taught me to value hard work, patience, and striving for perfection.  He built his own house.  He could make anything and he could fix anything wrong on a car. He built our home with steel I-beams - wonderful for using to hoist an engine out of a car.  I used to follow him around with my pacifier in my mouth "helping" him in the garage.  He would say "abracadabra", wave his arms, and magically make a gumball appear. To me he was always Daddy and even as a teenager, I could still climb in his lap and give him a hug. I always knew I was the apple of his eye and that he loved me.  He loved my children and went to every school and sporting event they were in.  His last years were filled with pain, but he still came to watch them, to savor those last few treasured moments that gave him so much joy.  Even though he has been gone for many years, I have never stopped missing him. Thank you dad for being my dad.  I love you.

This is the first Father's Day without Charlie.  The hurt is still raw and so painful.  He should be here today, listening to wonderful stories about fathers at church, having a Father's Day dinner with our kids and grandkids.  Charlie loved my dad.  My dad spent many hours with him, teaching him about fixing our car or something in the house.  So many of the things Charlie was able to do in our home was due to the lessons he learned from my dad.  In turn, Charlie helped take care of my dad his last few years.  He would carry him in his arms to the car so he could go to the doctor when my dad was unable to walk.  He would come home from work to pick him up when he had fallen and my mom couldn't lift him.  Charlie was a workaholic so when our kids were young, they each had a "daddy day" with him. It was a few hours set aside that were just him and Lorien or him and Jon to go do something fun.  After he became a grandfather, he would often say that if he could change anything it would be that he would work a little less, and play with the kids a little more.  He knew that the memories that are the most treasured are the ones where time is spent together.  If he were here, I would love seeing him dressed up in his suit, to me there was just something special about the way he looked in one.  If he were here, he would "fly" our granddaughters around the room and they would wait impatiently for their next turn.  All they had to do was say "fly me again Grampie" and off they would go.  If he were here, the hole in my heart would be filled.  Thank you Charlie for your unending love - I love you.   

Anniversary

Today was a hard day - today was - or should have been - my 32nd wedding anniversary. My first without Charlie. It has become our tradition to go to Ruth's Chris Steak House on our anniversary; instead I visited his grave. I find myself resenting those who talk in front of me about their plans of travel with their husbands when they retire, or something as simple as how they're going to work around the house together over the weekend. They don't realize how much that hurts. 

Part of what's hard is the way most people perceive me - they think of me as single. In my heart, I am no less married then when Charlie was alive. Charlie and I could read each other's thoughts (well, most of the time!). We knew if something was wrong, even though no one else might know. We loved to watch "24" on Monday nights - Charlie would get so involved that he would pace the floor - it was "our" show. I even got him hooked on American Idol.

Music was intertwined between us in a way that's indescribable. I met Charlie in college - he was a sophomore music major, I was a freshman. His locker in the music building was next to mine. I "skipped" my freshman year (a few brains to go with my musical ability) and ended up in his sophomore class. He caught me one day walking across the 2nd floor lobby of the music building, pulled me across him, started kissing me up my arm and said "you smell so good"! Maybe not the most original pick-up line, but it was a start. We began dating my second year at James Madison, on October 10, 1974 - after I became his pianist! We could instinctively play together like one - and over the years this connection only became stronger, whether with cello or choir. I feel like the music in me died with him - I still love it, but it's like being a violin without a bow, a melody without any harmony.

Spending the evening with Lexie & Jenna, and getting a wonderful phone call from Gracie, giving me a hug over the phone and hearing Hannah's happy noises in the background, really helped my heavy heart. Today is a special day and even though Charlie can't be here to share it with me, it is still a day to celebrate our love.

Getting started

Today was a special event for me - I went to the temple with the youth of our ward while they did baptisms for the dead. I took the names of Charlie's father and all four of his grandparents for the youth to do. It is one of those strange things, the temple was extremely important to Charlie and he was there all the time, but he had never done any of his family's work. He and I both approached it the same way - we would do the temple work when we had all the genealogy researched and complete - how silly and short-sighted of us! Just because there were roadblocks at certain points, all those we did have were waiting and could have been done. Luckily a little over a year ago I submitted several of my family names and have completed the work for those names. I grabbed the disk on Thursday that had the information on it that Charlie had put in PAF, expecting to take it to the Family History Center that night and put it through temple ready and get many names to take with me. I was horrified when the disk came up "corrupt and unreadable". I ransacked through his papers and found enough pieces of information to at least take those 5 names.

I have never met Charlie's grandfathers, they were deceased before we started dating, but I have heard a lot about them. His one grandfather, Soren Lura, played the cello and is the one who got him started on the cello. The other grandfather is who Charlie is named for. It gave me a little jolt hearing the words "Charles Granger Pruett". 

I have had the honor of knowing both of Charlie's grandmothers. Charlie was the first grandchild for both of them and he was an adored little boy!  Helga Amalie Westergaard Lura made the best Scandinavian crullers and encouraged Charlie's love of music. Maude Anna Bailey Pruett was always known to whistle and loved to say "Laws have mercy" and "Be still, be right still". I have a treasured four generation picture with each of them.

Charlie's father has been gone from us for about 8 years. Although not a member of our church, he was an avid genealogist and if I can find the information that he gave Charlie, I will probably have at least 1000 names to do work for. I am glad he lived long enough to hold his first great grandchild. 

Before leaving the temple, I spent a few minutes at the end of the bridge just looking at the large mural on the far wall. This is something Charlie always did when he left the temple at night; it was important to him. I wanted to try to look at it through his eyes and feel nearer to him. I miss him so much. 

Experiences

It's amazing how life can change from one day to the next. To one degree or another, we all have trauma and heartbreak in our lives. Some are caused by our own design, others through no fault of our own. Some come from nature. Others are manmade, some we don't suffer just as a person, but as a nation, such as 9/11. How we respond to these life-altering events can be a defining moment. No one who experiences such events is left unchanged. Some heartaches leave wounds that forever remain, even if they heal. 

     "The future depends on what we do in the present"

     - Mahatma Ghandi

This is especially true of our eternal future.

Coincidences

A question I love to ponder is "is it coincidence or divine intervention"?  It always amazes me how things "just happen", whether it's someone who "just happens" to travel to the other side of the country and sees someone you know who also "just happens' to be traveling in the same spot at the same time, or someone who "just happens" to call you when you most need to talk to them. I just can't believe these experiences are coincidences - I believe they happen as an answer to our prayers, or because Heavenly Father knows of some reason we need that experience. 

     "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous"

- Unknown