Alone?

I had an experience today that made me think about what it means to be alone. I'll preface it by saying that on Friday I received notice that the IRS is "examining" my taxes from 2006. I know nothing about the 2006 taxes - Charlie did it all. Then during the wee hours of Sunday morning, I suddenly had a kidney stone. It's not fun to have a kidney stone, but it's even less fun to have one all alone. I was lucky, this one was quick. And small. I thought back to the last time I had a kidney stone, a little over two years ago. I never go to the hospital until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. After hours of pain, I went - Charlie took me. We laughed together when the stone made it through right after we pulled into the hospital parking lot. Then came today. It still chills me to think about it. I had gotten home from work, had gone inside and put my purse, keys, and cell phone on the table. Then I went back out into the garage to get some bottles of water out of my trunk. As I turned, a couple of bottles started to slip right as I was slamming the trunk down - closing it on my right thumb. To put it mildly, it was excruciating. Fear set in when I realized my thumb was stuck - I had no way of unlocking the trunk because my keys were inside the house. I couldn't call for help, because my cell phone was inside. My neighbors are out of town, so no one would hear me if I yelled. I knew that at best, it would be hours before someone had reason to worry about me not answering my phone. While this injury probably wouldn't cost me my life, if I didn't get my thumb out quickly, I would in all likelihood lose it, maybe even my hand. I couldn't help thinking that if Charlie were here, he would have been coming home right about that time. The sense of loneliness was overwhelming. I could only cry and pray. I can't say that I suddenly had a feeling that someone was helping me. I can't say that I heard a voice answering my cries. I can't say that I felt a sense of comfort. But I was able to pull my thumb - very painfully - out of the trunk.

Down on the Farm

Last Saturday I went with Jon, Ashlie, and the girls to Kilby Cream Farm. Since Friday's weather was perfect, we had hoped for the same, but no, it was cold and very windy. We spent a few minutes petting the animals; we really liked the miniature horses and baby calves. One of the calves was especially friendly and licked us just like a puppy. We were looking forward to the pony rides (not the miniatures) but they were cancelled due to the high winds (it spooked the ponies!). We stood in a LONG line for ice cream - believe me, it's worth it! We were really squished in there since everyone was eating inside in the warm cow-decorated room (think black and white spotted ceilings). After our sweet treat, the kids were ready to brave the cold and spend some time on the playground. Can you tell how much they loved the swings?

Hannah is TWO-rific!

Hannah's birthday is on March 19, just a few days after mine. We had a big family party for her a week early at X-bos where the kids - and even some of us adults! - had fun climbing high in the air through the tubes and slides. At one point near the top you crawl across nylon mesh webbing open to the floor way below. I had trouble believing it could support us "big kids" so I crawled quickly!!!! Then you get "wrung" through some rollers, like an old-fashioned washing machine. Made for some sore knees - but LOTS of fun. Didn't get any pictures of our family at the party, but you can see by the smile on Hannah's face that she had a great time.

On her actual birthday, we sang to her while she blew out candles on her ice cream - chocolate of course! Nice to know my chocolate gene has been carried on.

Birthday Thoughts

Birthdays are such a special time.  I was lucky that my birthday was on a Sunday this year and that Lorien & Sam, Jon & Ashlie, Gracie, Lexie, Jenna, & Hannah were able to be there.  It was so wonderful to have everyone together at home.  Ashlie made her yummy meatloaf, Lorien made mashed potatoes, and I made a salad.  I love the taste of homemade icing so Ashlie made my cake - chocolate of course! - with deliciously sweet buttercream icing.  Isn't the cake beautiful!
I need to explain the color scheme.  People today would say my favorite color is pink (to borrow from cjane "pink is my power color").  But from the time I was little, purple was my favorite color.  My birthday cakes were always purple.  My room was purple.  I always said I was going to drive a purple car (I'm glad I outgrew that idea!).  All Charlie's life, his favorite color was orange.  He had a bright orange bedspread and curtains. When we got married, our color scheme - can you guess? - was purple and orange.  Okay, we weren't that tacky - it was lilac and peach.  These two colors evoke emotions in me and are instant reminders of days past.  Thank you Ashlie for making such a special cake.  I was excited to get some Lovespell perfume/lotion/bathgel from Lorien's family.  It has been my favorite scent for several years - and it's purple!  I was on my last little spray so it was greatly appreciated.  Jon's family (I know it was Ashlie's idea and that she went through a lot to get it for me) gave me a beautiful Pandora bracelet - with a purple bead and an orange bead.   And nothing beats blowing out candles with four grandgirls..

I had some surprise special birthday events.  The next day, Heather & Fernando had a great Mullins family party for me  - thank you for making me family!  We had a great dinner and James entertained us when we watched Dave feed him - faster spoonfuls please!  Cindy made her hot fudge sauce that I love - and just for me, minus the peanut butter.  Jeanette surprised me at work the Friday before my birthday with flowers and jewelry - it really made my day.  Then on Tuesday, two days after my birthday, I went out to dinner with Jean Bingham. This had been planned for several weeks and even postponed once, so I was completely unsuspecting.  I was shocked when we walked in and Debbie Ennis was there and then Jeanette came in.  We had so much fun just being together, talking and laughing.  Jean made an amazing chocolate cake - thank you to all! 

Wonder if you can guess what my favorite flavor is.....?

Birthdays are often a time to think back over life's events, but turning 53 was even more so for me.  So many precious memories.  So much happiness.  So much love.  So many regrets.  We all have things we feel guilty for.  Things we would do differently if we could go back in time.  It seemed a little easier growing up as a Catholic - I could go to confession where you were hidden behind a screen, say "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been two months since my last confession".  I would list my sins, the priest would tell me to say two Hail Marys and four Our Fathers and my sins were forgiven.  Simple.  I wish.  I look back on mistakes I made as a daughter.  The hurts I caused my parents.  I see the mistakes I made as a child of God.  The things I did before I joined the church that I wish I hadn't.  And even worse, the mistakes I've made since.  I look back on what I would have done differently as a wife.  As a mother.  Most things I have felt forgiveness for.  I have accepted that I can't go back and change them, no matter how much I want to.  I can only try to do better now.  There is a statement by Elaine Marshall that I have read many times recently - The last and greatest lesson of healing is that it is a divine gift always available from a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have a pain or sorrow or disappointment or sin or just a grudge that needs healing, the Savior simply says, 'Come unto me'.  This birthday has awakened in me a guilt I haven't been able to heal.  A guilt that doesn't have a wrong that I can right. Not a sin that I have to confess. And yet the guilt is very real, very painful. I wonder if this guilt feeling will ever go away or will it always be with me?  How do I stop feeling guilty because I am 53? 

For one brief shining moment....

Something happened very early this morning that was so special and so sacred that I almost didn't feel I could write about it. And at the same time for those same reasons I knew I had to. I've never been very good at keeping my journal, so I started this blog with that in mind. I want to remember every detail so that when I need some strength I can go back and read about it and rely on it. So with that said, I will do my best to retell it.

Somewhere around 5:30 am I was dreaming that something had happened that upset me terribly (don't remember what I was upset about but what upset me isn't important). I was crying about it while going somewhere in my car. I stopped in a deserted parking lot and sobbed. While I was crying over the steering wheel, suddenly I felt an arm around my shoulders and some kisses on my head. I was frightened because I knew I was alone in the car. And yet, I knew the feel of that arm, I knew the feel of those lips. I tried to see who was there but my teary eyes saw only darkness. I started frantically asking "Who's here? Who are you? I can't see you". The arm pulled me tighter, closer, a precious kiss was given on my forehead, then ever so quietly Charlie's voice said "It's okay. I can see you".

I wasn't asleep at this point, I wasn't dreaming. I was awake and my face really was wet with tears. For just a small moment the heavens parted and Charlie was with me. And he sees me.

Principal's List

Lexie has had a wonderful year so far in kindergarden. She has a great teacher and she loves her school (the computers are all macs - how could you not love it)! Her biggest complaint about school is that all the boys say they're in love with her! I love it that now she can read books to me. She has learned a lot this year and has made honor roll both quarters. This time she did extra well and had straight A+'s so she made the Principal's List. I was able to take a couple hours off work and go to her Awards Ceremony. I was so proud of her as she walked up and shook the Principal's hand to receive her certificate. Great job Lexie!!!

Love Me, Love My Dogs

I have always been an animal lover. I wanted a pet growing up and tried to bring home a few. Sadly, my mom didn't want them and I ended up taking them back to whomever had given me a "sample" from their new litter. One of the first things Charlie and I did when we got married was get a dog. Since then we have had several dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, hamsters, hermit crabs, and fish and I have never been without at least one pet. I am glad that my kids and all my granddaughters seem to have inherited the "animal lover gene". And my dogs love the attention showered upon them whenever the kids come to visit. I'm not sure who's happier here - Hannah, Duchess, or Nikon?

The Gift of Music

I was excited when Gracie decided to learn to play the flute this year.  Music is certainly important to me, but this was extra special since I started the flute when I was her age.  She has had fun with the once a week class at school.  Last night was her first band concert and she looked so professional in her black pants and white shirt.  There were seventy six beginners this year so they only played a few simple songs - what a great start!  Once again I found myself thinking of how Charlie would have loved to have been there.  It was after the concert that I came to believe that he was.  Lorien, Hannah, Gracie & I got into my car and as I started the engine the song "Open Arms" by Journey was playing on the radio.  That was OUR song.  It was the one we requested to dance to, the one we would stop what we were doing and cuddle if we heard it, the one that we always said "I love you" to.  It's not a song that you hear all the time since it's over 20 years old.  Tears came to our eyes and I knew that I was getting more than one gift of music last night.  

Jenna is 4!

Jenna turned four on Saturday and she had two parties - one the Saturday the week before at Build a Bear and the second on her actual birthday that was just family at the house. We had a great time at Build a Bear - the kids had fun picking out their animals and accessories. Jenna really loved giving her new beagle a "bath". Afterward we gathered in the food court for pizza and cake - and presents!

I kept wishing that Charlie was there taking pictures - and I couldn't help but think that Jenna was only 2 1/2 the last time she saw him. It warms my heart when sometimes out of the blue she says "I miss Grampie". I love this shot I took of her at her party - I think Charlie was helping...

What Have YOU Done?

I found this and thought it was fun. Copy and put in the color the things you have done in your life. Enjoy!
1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Watched an animal be born

7. Been to Disney World
8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Australia
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child - I didn't but I am adopted

16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping - many years ago in a previous life
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Been skiing

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Visited the Taj Mahal
54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (home movies don't count)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class - does watching my son's count?
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Have a life-threatening allergy
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Earned a pilots license

99. Been inside the Pentagon  

100. Been stung by a bee