The Flip Side

Tonight I feel pretty down.  I knew this week would be hard and I'm really happy we did some happy, fun things together to help.  But I just want Charlie back.  I miss his smile.  I miss his goofy noises.  I miss getting a foot massage.  I miss hearing his voice.  I miss him walking in the door.   I miss having him give me a blessing.  I miss his concern for others.  I miss putting my candy wrappers in his suit pocket.  I miss him putting everything down just to say hi to me when I get home.   I miss having him come out to the car just to see if he can carry bags in for me.  I miss having someone to come home to.  I miss his love.

God Bless America

I am blessed to own my own home.

I am blessed to have a job I enjoy.

I am blessed to make choices each day that are only influenced by my testimony and faith, not by government rule.

I am blessed to have friends, and to be a friend.

I am blessed to know great men and women who represent our country, both in the armed forces and as Missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I am blessed to have parents who loved me and taught me to value work and perseverance.

I am blessed to have been a daughter, a wife, a mother, and a grandmother.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel.

I am blessed to have had the Priesthood in my home.

I am blessed to have two wonderful grown children, and their spouses, who love and care for one another.

I am blessed to have the greatest 4 granddaughters who have ever been.

I am blessed to have had the best husband I could have ever wanted.

I am privileged because I live in this free land.

America, I am blessed....thank you!

One Year = Forever

"Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble?"  Alma 5:27

This scripture has gone through my mind so many times over the past year. Although he wouldn't say it, I know Charlie exemplifies this scripture.  No, he was not perfect, he made mistakes -  he was even known to pout occasionally. But on a day-to-day basis, in all he did, he tried with everything in him to live as Heavenly Father would want him to.  Even with his busy schedule, he spent a lot of time in prayer - you knew he was truly conversing with the Lord. His old set of scriptures were well-worn - no matter how tired or hurried, he always spent time reading them, feasting upon them. He read the Ensign cover-to-cover, and would listen to conference talks over and over again.  He didn't just hear the words, he went out and did the words.  He would go home teaching instead of taking a nap, he would call to check on members of the ward, to see if there was anything he could do. He baked cookies for less active members (and non-members too), then dropped by with them, just to let people know he cared. I can't begin to express how much he loved the temple.  He worked in the temple every Tuesday evening for many years, in almost every area of the temple.  Charlie didn't believe in gray areas, things were either right or wrong, and if it was gray, then it was too close to wrong for him.  He loved listening to John Bytheway and Sheri Dew.  He had an extra special reverence in his heart for the books and talks by S. Michael Wilcox. I can't think of Charlie without thinking of music. He was inspired by Mack Wilberg of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Ron Staheli from BYU Singers. He loved their works and the spirit they brought into the songs. Oh how I miss the music between us. 

His suits - they were so much a part of him.  Even if he was awakened from a deep sleep to go give a blessing, he would still put on his white shirt, tie, and a suit.  To him church meant respect and that meant suit.  I love to see his suits hanging in the closet - and sometimes when the ache is at it's worst, I bury my face in them and cry - that little part of him is still with me.  I am careful when I go shopping to avoid the men's department.  I wonder if the day will ever come that I walk by it and not fall apart....    

As much as I have dreaded this week, there have been some uplifting moments. A few weeks before he died, Charlie took a picture of our entire primary.  It was for a sister in our ward (who worked with me in the nursery) who was going to the Grand Canyon and was going to a ward at the bottom of the canyon. She wanted to give the picture to the primary kids in that ward.  I had forgotten all about this photo (which also happens to have me in it).  On Sunday, the new issue of "The Friend" was announced in church, and Charlie's photo was in it.  Our bishop was tearful as he said "Charlie's work lives on".  To me, it's even more than that. I feel as if Heavenly Father allowed Charlie to reach down for a brief moment.  I don't believe it is just coincidence that this was published at the one year anniversary of his death. Then today I got an email from a wonderful family in the ward letting me know that two copies of this magazine are on the way to my home.  Angels watching over me.  Thank you.

I heard a touching story on Sunday from a sister who's family has been dear to both of us.  She was in the bishop's office with her class on 1 July 2007.  She heard the bishop's phone ringing and saw that he wasn't answering it .  She told him to go ahead and take the call.  As he listened, she saw his face drain of all color and she knew that whatever was being said, it was something very bad.  That phone call was me, telling the bishop, who was Charlie's best friend, that Charlie had died and that the paramedics were trying to revive him and that I needed him to come right away.  This sweet sister says she still doesn't like to be in the office because it reminds her of that day.  It's touching to know that he was special to so many. 

Another special thing happened on Sunday.  Another dear sister was giving a talk in sacrament meeting, with the subject being "a house of order".  She talked about how the temple is a house of order and mentioned how their family cannot talk or sing about the temple without thinking about Brother Pruett.  It means so much to me when others speak about him. 

Today marks one year since you passed away.  It feels like it was yesterday - and at the same time it feels like forever.  I miss you as much, maybe even more, as I did the day you were taken from us.  It still hurts just as much.  I still cry every day.  The initial "I can't breathe, my stomach is in knots" feeling is gone, but the deep ache is still there. I think it always will be. We've had a year of firsts - everyone's first birthday since you've been gone.  Our first anniversary.  The first 4th of July, first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Valentine's Day, first Easter.  Happy events, but tinged with sadness for the one isn't there.  I know you're up there watching over us and I'll be with you again someday.  But that doesn't make the pain go away.  

I chose the song playing in the background to partly express how I feel:

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn
And we are led

To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good...

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good

I was blessed to be loved by Charlie.  He loved his children so much, he still kept things they had made close to him - they were treasures in his eyes.  He loved his precious granddaughters - they meant the world to him.  It hurts that they won't grow up with him.  I will always cherish the years we had together. Thank you Charlie for making me who I am and for believing in me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.  I will always love you. 

Father's Day

I didn't want this day to pass without taking a few minutes to share my love for two very special men - my father, and the father of my children. Neither of them are here on earth anymore so I can only pray that my thoughts can be heard in Heaven.

My father was so wonderful to me. He was smart (propulsion, nuclear physics), he worked at the Pentagon, he loved to build rock walls and in so doing taught me to value hard work, patience, and striving for perfection.  He built his own house.  He could make anything and he could fix anything wrong on a car. He built our home with steel I-beams - wonderful for using to hoist an engine out of a car.  I used to follow him around with my pacifier in my mouth "helping" him in the garage.  He would say "abracadabra", wave his arms, and magically make a gumball appear. To me he was always Daddy and even as a teenager, I could still climb in his lap and give him a hug. I always knew I was the apple of his eye and that he loved me.  He loved my children and went to every school and sporting event they were in.  His last years were filled with pain, but he still came to watch them, to savor those last few treasured moments that gave him so much joy.  Even though he has been gone for many years, I have never stopped missing him. Thank you dad for being my dad.  I love you.

This is the first Father's Day without Charlie.  The hurt is still raw and so painful.  He should be here today, listening to wonderful stories about fathers at church, having a Father's Day dinner with our kids and grandkids.  Charlie loved my dad.  My dad spent many hours with him, teaching him about fixing our car or something in the house.  So many of the things Charlie was able to do in our home was due to the lessons he learned from my dad.  In turn, Charlie helped take care of my dad his last few years.  He would carry him in his arms to the car so he could go to the doctor when my dad was unable to walk.  He would come home from work to pick him up when he had fallen and my mom couldn't lift him.  Charlie was a workaholic so when our kids were young, they each had a "daddy day" with him. It was a few hours set aside that were just him and Lorien or him and Jon to go do something fun.  After he became a grandfather, he would often say that if he could change anything it would be that he would work a little less, and play with the kids a little more.  He knew that the memories that are the most treasured are the ones where time is spent together.  If he were here, I would love seeing him dressed up in his suit, to me there was just something special about the way he looked in one.  If he were here, he would "fly" our granddaughters around the room and they would wait impatiently for their next turn.  All they had to do was say "fly me again Grampie" and off they would go.  If he were here, the hole in my heart would be filled.  Thank you Charlie for your unending love - I love you.   

Anniversary

Today was a hard day - today was - or should have been - my 32nd wedding anniversary. My first without Charlie. It has become our tradition to go to Ruth's Chris Steak House on our anniversary; instead I visited his grave. I find myself resenting those who talk in front of me about their plans of travel with their husbands when they retire, or something as simple as how they're going to work around the house together over the weekend. They don't realize how much that hurts. 

Part of what's hard is the way most people perceive me - they think of me as single. In my heart, I am no less married then when Charlie was alive. Charlie and I could read each other's thoughts (well, most of the time!). We knew if something was wrong, even though no one else might know. We loved to watch "24" on Monday nights - Charlie would get so involved that he would pace the floor - it was "our" show. I even got him hooked on American Idol.

Music was intertwined between us in a way that's indescribable. I met Charlie in college - he was a sophomore music major, I was a freshman. His locker in the music building was next to mine. I "skipped" my freshman year (a few brains to go with my musical ability) and ended up in his sophomore class. He caught me one day walking across the 2nd floor lobby of the music building, pulled me across him, started kissing me up my arm and said "you smell so good"! Maybe not the most original pick-up line, but it was a start. We began dating my second year at James Madison, on October 10, 1974 - after I became his pianist! We could instinctively play together like one - and over the years this connection only became stronger, whether with cello or choir. I feel like the music in me died with him - I still love it, but it's like being a violin without a bow, a melody without any harmony.

Spending the evening with Lexie & Jenna, and getting a wonderful phone call from Gracie, giving me a hug over the phone and hearing Hannah's happy noises in the background, really helped my heavy heart. Today is a special day and even though Charlie can't be here to share it with me, it is still a day to celebrate our love.

Getting started

Today was a special event for me - I went to the temple with the youth of our ward while they did baptisms for the dead. I took the names of Charlie's father and all four of his grandparents for the youth to do. It is one of those strange things, the temple was extremely important to Charlie and he was there all the time, but he had never done any of his family's work. He and I both approached it the same way - we would do the temple work when we had all the genealogy researched and complete - how silly and short-sighted of us! Just because there were roadblocks at certain points, all those we did have were waiting and could have been done. Luckily a little over a year ago I submitted several of my family names and have completed the work for those names. I grabbed the disk on Thursday that had the information on it that Charlie had put in PAF, expecting to take it to the Family History Center that night and put it through temple ready and get many names to take with me. I was horrified when the disk came up "corrupt and unreadable". I ransacked through his papers and found enough pieces of information to at least take those 5 names.

I have never met Charlie's grandfathers, they were deceased before we started dating, but I have heard a lot about them. His one grandfather, Soren Lura, played the cello and is the one who got him started on the cello. The other grandfather is who Charlie is named for. It gave me a little jolt hearing the words "Charles Granger Pruett". 

I have had the honor of knowing both of Charlie's grandmothers. Charlie was the first grandchild for both of them and he was an adored little boy!  Helga Amalie Westergaard Lura made the best Scandinavian crullers and encouraged Charlie's love of music. Maude Anna Bailey Pruett was always known to whistle and loved to say "Laws have mercy" and "Be still, be right still". I have a treasured four generation picture with each of them.

Charlie's father has been gone from us for about 8 years. Although not a member of our church, he was an avid genealogist and if I can find the information that he gave Charlie, I will probably have at least 1000 names to do work for. I am glad he lived long enough to hold his first great grandchild. 

Before leaving the temple, I spent a few minutes at the end of the bridge just looking at the large mural on the far wall. This is something Charlie always did when he left the temple at night; it was important to him. I wanted to try to look at it through his eyes and feel nearer to him. I miss him so much. 

Experiences

It's amazing how life can change from one day to the next. To one degree or another, we all have trauma and heartbreak in our lives. Some are caused by our own design, others through no fault of our own. Some come from nature. Others are manmade, some we don't suffer just as a person, but as a nation, such as 9/11. How we respond to these life-altering events can be a defining moment. No one who experiences such events is left unchanged. Some heartaches leave wounds that forever remain, even if they heal. 

     "The future depends on what we do in the present"

     - Mahatma Ghandi

This is especially true of our eternal future.